2006-02-15 - 6:58 p.m.
So I was looking over my entries from last year, and I have noticed that something has changed about me. And I think I know what it is. Last year China was new, interesting, different. it still is new, interesting and different, but I'm upset and depressed by the PEOPLE who I work with, and the overwhelming feeling of being BOGGED down by the history of where we live.
Many of the people who live here (in Henan) are the poorest of the poor. They have behaviors that are disturbing, superstitious, and often down right disgusting. The whole concept of self pride, or pride of place seems to have been bred out of the chinese people. When I tell students not to cheat because they are "better" than that, they look at me with confusion on their faces. They don't understand something about the issue of personal pride. This lack of pride, and lack of what appears to be ethics, or a code of conduct bothers me.
The other issue is how I have had to deal with the "politics" of being here. I have tried to reach out to the misfits (my misfits as it turn out) and to help them make the transition from the states to being able to enjoy china. I think I have succeeded because wheneve we hvae a get together I end up with 40 people at our house. But in the process, I have become a target for some groups. There are people who think I am STANDING for moral corruption, or immoral behavior. When all I am really doing is telling nosey busybodies to mind their own business. What a teacher does on his/her own time is their own business. If they want to go out drinking, taht is their stuff. As long as it doesn't effect their teaching, it doesn't matter. The same is true of teachers who have "relationships" with students. If they are not "their" students, who cares? Should anyone?
I have tried to stand up for decency, respect, and privacy and appear to have become a target because of it.
This feeling of being attacked by my "peers" is bringing me down, and making me negative in my posts here, and in my real life outside of cyberspace.
I found out that several of our teachers who came to china this year were reading this online journal last year, and that I am one of the reasons they came here. I would hate to think what people must feel about SIAS because of my journals this year.
I am sorry. I will try to recapture my old glee, and joy at being in china and being allowed to teach the best students in the best class in all of China. After all, that is why I'm here.
Will
